those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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