I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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