Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
