bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
