If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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