there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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