I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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