she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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