How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
