it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
