she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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