drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
