i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
