Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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