idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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