Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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