How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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