had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
