If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
