ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
