The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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