I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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