Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
nutella sex= disaster
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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