True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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