Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
