I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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