If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
