Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
