When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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