You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
