She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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