The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
