You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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