Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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