you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
