How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
