Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
