so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
