Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
