I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
