maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
