Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize