pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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