I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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