They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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