I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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