party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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