I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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