we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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