so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
