I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
