i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
