The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
