Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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