Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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