Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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