I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
