im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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