The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
