Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
