well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
