Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
