i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
