i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
