So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
