I will die if light touches me.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
