just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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