Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
