Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
