Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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