Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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