1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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