If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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