two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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