The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
