Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
