First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize